Little Christian Blogger Girl

I woke up this morning with a song in my head. Even in the skinny space between sleep and wakefulness, that almost dreamy place, the melody and lyrics were playing. The song is called Always (Generation Unleashed).

I lift my hands to say
How much I need You
I give my heart always
To say I love You

Cuz’ You are everything
Cuz’ You are everything

I will live for You
My heart burns for You
I will live for You always
I long to see You move
No one else will do
I will live for You Always

And I will live for You…
And I will live for You…

I decided to pull it up  as I emptied the dishwasher this morning. We sing it in church sometimes but this morning the lyrics are just pulsing through my heart.  Leighton (my almost 16-month-old) is handing me plastic bowls and I’m considering the words.

I will live for You…I give my heart always to say I love You.

True story. Yesterday I prayed a very specific prayer. I wanted direction and asked God to show me within certain parameters. As the day passed I found myself applying mascara in front of my bathroom mirror wondering what a close friend would think or have to say about it. At that very moment the phone rang and it was her. She was leaving work early and had a funny story to tell me. I went on to tell her about my thoughts and prayers of the day.

(Note: She loves Jesus, she loves me and she tells me the truth. We’ll call her Lil’ Red.)

Me: Do you know how many little Christian lady bloggers are out there? A lot!

Lil’ Red: And that means there are a lot of little lights shining for Jesus all over the place!

Me: True. Yes, a lot of little Christian blogger ladies but there are a lot of people.

Lil’ Red: Yeah and the devil wants to put those lights out.

God is in control. Remember my post yesterday? God interrupt my thoughts with truth? He did. Smile…He didn’t give me the kind of answer I wanted and He didn’t give it to me the way I asked for it but He absolutely answered.

As I listened to this song several times this morning my heart was filled with what it means to me. Giving Jesus my heart is really giving Him myself. Who I am. The way I am. My particulars. Living for Jesus is letting Him do with those particulars as He wishes.

It took me thirty-three years to begin accepting myself. To accept the way He made me. To embrace the compelling desire on the inside of me to write about Him. Three years later and I still battle days when I wonder if it really matters.

But it matters to Jesus.

I still battle, some days, a desire to lay aside the peculiar weight that comes with a calling. Even now as I write that I think wow, that is kind of bold of me! I’ve never said that before. Never called it that before.

Laugh. What else is it when God gives you something to do, to use, to glorify Him? Uh-oh, wait. We think only preachers, youth pastors and worship leaders are “called.” We think they are the capital “M” ministers. And they are!

But so are you. So am I.

Hey look, God is not assessing the scope and largesse of my little blog-light. He is the power-source, not me. I am in fact just another little Christian blogger girl if you want to see it that way. And some days I do and that feels discouraging. Because I want it to mean something! I want to know it’s having an impact for God. But since approval is my drug-of-choice God keeps me in Blind Faith Rehab.

Discouragement is the devil’s light snuffer-outer thingy. Don’t let Him do it. We are called to use the abilities He’s given us to shine a light that makes Jesus easy to see. For those in darkness, in hopelessness and despair, the way our own hearts burn can light the way for them.

Our light may not touch the whole world, but when we fall in love with Jesus, when giving Him who and what we are is just a way to say “I love You,” then I believe it matters the whole world to those we touch.

You. Yes, you. The one who tends to think what you do doesn’t really matter.

I’m just a Sunday School teacher…just a preschool teacher…just making copies in the church office…just coordinating small groups…just changing diapers and wiping snotty noses…just cutting out craft supplies…just taking the time to really pray over those requests…just supervising employees…just raising my kids…just cleaning a building…just attending to details…just caring for the sick…just dealing with numbers…just ringing up groceries…just repairing broken stuff.

Mmm. The capital “M” ministry of repairing broken stuff. We are all called to that. Jesus wants to use each of us in specific ways to help repair broken lives. He’s the mender, the glue, and we are glue dispensers!

In a million ways that only our God could invent and dream for our lives, we are meant to boldly live for Him. In the details. In our own particulars.

I give my heart always to say I love You
Cuz’ You are everything
You are everything

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