Quiet Battle

Lamentations 3:22, 26 (NIV)
Because of the Lord’s great love we
are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of The Lord.

Before I can begin to share my heart…before I can dive into words and expression…I feel the weight of His hand on me. A worship song begins to play and I want to write, but I can’t. Not yet.

Lay your head down. Be quiet. Do nothing.

The tears begin to trickle down my face as I force myself to be still. To imagine, from my heart, Jesus sitting near and resting His hand on my head. Deep within, in spite of my eager need to do and give and be, I sense a greater need to obey.

It feels hard.

Yet even in those few minutes of nothing and everything I know this is where I’m meant to be. Only He can give me what I need. Only He can give me what I need to be able to give to others.

Only Jesus can fill me.

This is the organic, intimate place where His light shines and warms and moves. This is the place of naked surrender.

Without my words. Without my lifted hands. With only my head resting on a table and slow, heavy tears that reveal my greatest need.

Jesus. 

Sometimes I want to just keep doing and being and learning and telling without the intimacy. The stripping down of all I wear of my Christian experience. That place where I cease doing and against my screaming flesh let Jesus be all there is and more than that.

The song ends and my fingers hover over the keyboard. I strip the scripture above down to the very ones that caught my heart. Nothing more…no vanessa additives.

I grow weary sometimes trying to offer more than what I have.

Jesus hasn’t asked me to. He gives me what I need to give if I’ll sit still and be quiet and let Him speak to me…love me.

*****

Earlier this morning as I read the devotion from Proverbs 31 I was drawn to Lamentations. My heart drank in these words…

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed

It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of The Lord

No matter what we face, no matter what is thrown our way, no matter what holes we dig for ourselves we do not have to be consumed. Can’t we all look back over our lives, even our life now perhaps, and see things that almost consumed us?

Almost.

As I piddled about my kitchen this morning I could hear the echo of my own hard things. But I was not consumed. And I’m very familiar with today…the days that stretch out ahead…and the things I cannot predict. But I know, because I’m still here now, that I will not be consumed.

What more can I know of Him than the touch of His gentle hand on my head? Than the weightless gravity of His care for me? His power and love that is in fact meant to consume me.

Consume me.

I keep learning to wait quietly for my salvation. My deliverance. Jesus.

Be still, daughter. Be quiet.

Sometimes our greatest battle isn’t with the devil or our circumstance or personal hang-ups. Sometimes the battle is in discovering who really fights for us, overcomes in us, brings about salvation not just for eternity, but now.

This is my quiet battle.

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